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with stories that remind me of other stories. my problem is that i'm only living through my head and paying mind to my thoughts. the actions come and go but i barely try to make them match up. i am just letting them let do. and people that know me, know that once i am sparked up for a tasty conversation (not necasarily regarding sex), it's hard to cool me down. like a waterfall, i am letting my life be poured above me, over me and onto me. i'm gliding through, accepting things for what they are and realizing i have so much of what i need to function. i feel like i do enough to take a break from the world and just make observations that were underneath my nose all my life that i'm seeing under a microscopical lens. and oh boy, let me tell you how much you see when you're really looking and taking note, i feel like ive been reexamining my life a lot lately. i've also been evaluating my priorities and why number 1 is number 1 and why number 7 is number 7. when you associate big chunks of life with numbers,you see in a clearer fashion. its easy to put shit in perspective with a number slapped on. just got the thought fucked out of me. humans are not that far off from animals as far as the everyday routine/strugge/livin goes. lets look at what a fox is given: lots of space disturbed by random suburbian roads and engines. at one point, the world was a free-for-all for animals but SOME human chanelled switches in the brain the cavemen didnt live long enough to workuot. in any event,these animals are forced to deal with roads and either ignore them or try to dodge them. everything PEOPLE do they do because you work with whats around you until you realize how much you can take. you know when you find someone or something that you see as an immovable foundation, you gain a comfort that brings on knowledge thats been hiding from you your entire life. its like life is about finding the right game pieces that are meant to be placed onyour board (or scattered) around but in different squares, at different times. life for humans and animals and any living thing is about timing. or parts of your life for different moments/stages/occassions. some people you can really automatically click with and kick back. being able to act like youve known someone for years and get taht vibe that they feel you is ridiculous. i have that with a number of people. its hard to stomache that i now have someone to love and unfold with. being on the same page is soething i SELDOM obtain from people. when you share with people, they share back and you find yourself being dealt more rewards and just feeling sensations of being connected. satisfaction. a reason to be excited about waking up. there are them, you just gotta find em. :) Current Location: joesIIIIIfs
Current Mood:  bouncy
Current Music: hearts
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for whatever reason, ive let sex dominate my life as far decisions go and as far as me being the person i am goes for TOO LONG. over indulgence is not healthy nor is it good! od-ing is for pussy, naive idiots. i dabbled:/. take that as you may. in any event, i managed to fuck up royally where someone i hold so fucking close to me's feelings were at utter stake. basically, i threw her feelings into a fire, when ive seen this same person get hurt so many times before. i know, i know who hasnt been hurt? STILL, i couldve SAVED her from burning but instead i threw her in, headfirst. if someone pushed her into a train and there was no one else around for me to push in front of her, id jump in front of the fucking thing. i couldnt LIVE seeing anything of that severity happe n to her. metaphorically and literally. i feel like i hurt her that badly mentally and i wish there was SOMETHING i could fucking do to remedy the situation a little. id love to be able to buy burn oinment and be like "you know i love you and will rub it everywhere! " while i was aware of what i was doing the whole time which is why i kept things "shady", i felt that much more in control and that much more repulsive. i was so aware but so ignorant and oblivious to all that was at hands. i told NO ONE when it first went down because it was hard for me to stomache on my own. but now that the one person who i unintentionally laid above the fire on a fucking stick has fallen in, i'm scared theres nothing i can do for her. what hurts the most on my part is knowing that i lost, if not all, PORTIONS of her trust.i have for three BESTBESTBEST ladyfriends and she is one of them, so the fact the trust may not be the foundation of our relationship from hereon out, scares the shit out of me. not to mention, we had bangin plans in the making for thursday night. fuck you, christina! ugh! things have been going so great that i knew i had to spill everything. i cant CONTINUTE to deepen the wounds so i figured id let honesty prevail so that the beginning of this issue can end quicker and we can go back to the asshole pair of friends we are, together! im even embarrassed to share this shit with anyone which is why this live journal is the ideal outlet right about now. i'm SO embarrassed that i did something in the way that i did this and that i hurt someone who does not deserve it so harshly. cute how embarrass has the word ASS in it. this is really sad. Current Music: weezer
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this is my attempt to cleaning up and trying to dodge the absent-minded mentality i have recently, unknowingly taken up. ive been a sloppy mess because i'm so indulged with the way my life is grabbing me. life is hitting all the right spots. i'm being literally swept off my feet and it gets harder and harder, day by day, to take in. jessica has also fell in love as of late and this is validated when acknowledging her lack of appetite to cheat. its funny because within that same time period, natalie and her boyfriend broke up; which resulted in much closure and even more gratifying- orgasms plus orgasms plus orgasms after 3 or so months with ZERO penetration. its funny because natalie living in the city has allowed her to develop a ton of qualities that only the combination of independence, booze and drugs can enchantingly bring one. i love the flower natalie is blooming to be and she knows the mindsets shes adapting are best for her glowing character. even meghan way is now steering her life in the one direction she knows shes meant to take. with her updated mentality shift, she;s discovering who she is and what she wants out of life. i think its crazy that i am on the verge of becoming a "women" and that my friends and i are on the same journey, going at the same pace, but in our own unique/personal, varying ways. now i'm off to call the one man whose voice makes me shiver before i pass out with the biggest, corniest, cheesiest smile on my face. his dada wants us all to go out to dinner this weekend, too! i will sleep right before i magically make all these candy corn disappear! ;) Current Mood:  ecstatic
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for so long, ive been in a gloomy trance. i saw my life as the redundant cycle it is: minimal hours of sleep, school, work, little to no sleep, school, work and so on and so forth. the lady i was born like a sister to this world re-watered the idea that life is fucked up because you never know what its going to throw at you. (that lady also happens to be assed out on the couch parallel to the one im on, looking right at me!) she went on to say shit ive thought for so long but just recently dumped/forgot because of how much i am in bliss with something i always swore was 100% intangible. we started talking about how life is so sickening and how people who go to extremes with ANY one aspect are on a narrow, blindsided road to self-destruction. life is sickening because it is composed of living to work to make money to live. basically, humans live to work to make money to live... to just work... to make money.. to live. i feel like there is THAT much more to life that cherie is periodically feeling shuttered from. all because of joe, i wake up either next to him or pleasantly overwhelmed in thoughts of him. if i'm not thinking about how the last time i saw him was surreal-ly pleasurable, i'm thinking about calling him or texting jess, natalie and/or cherie about how wonderful i've been feeling all because of him. i almost feel reborn when in thoughts and in the presence of this man. i never ever thought i'd find someone i am so compatibly comfortable with on every single fucking important level. i cant begin to wrap my head around the world i'm sharing and floating in with him. there is nothing i want more than to stay in this world, while we both watch and assist each other in growing. ugh, i am already feeling the need for him to always be in my life. i cant cant cant wait to see him nexxxtttttt. Current Mood:  anxious
Current Music: "angry little asian girl" on channel 13
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its near depressing thinking about the kindergarden level education i am receiving in my "world literature" class. the teacher isn't a bad person, i just wish she felt the desire or at least little urge to open her mouth with new words in new orders i never knew, so i can LEARN new and maybe even vital things. it's especially upsetting because its my ENGLISH class and i always have unlimited amounts of fun in my english classes because it's like my teachers are doctors: performing surgery on my brain, in an effort to make it expand and even toss my mind some of that wholehearted wisdom. if i'm not direly in love with my english teacher or their lectures, they are with me and it's never been nothing short of a delight going to english. that is not the case for this lady or this course, and such a truth is upsetting. i feel like english teachers dig deep and read in between the lines which can assist anyone in growing in an infinite amount of ways. oh well, i lost out on a semester. bummerrrrr. at least summer is only so far away. i havent seen joe for about 24 hours and i feel my heart pumping out of my chest and my mind and or brain thumping out of my head. i dont know how my train of thought is consistently revolving around him but i almost dont mind. thinking about him gives me this natural high. being with him and even being ACTUALLY high is beyond a dream come true. i cant get enough of his loving. sex, too, is like overpowering when in genuine love. self is not the main worry/concern; i want him to get his whites all in/over me so i can feel his pleasure in that one shot;) hahah, i had to. the pun was too good to let go. i made his ring tone folly:far away and it fits, quintessentially. i'm really in love! so my one friend who always said no to any substances is now fond of green and we hit a roach that did us in before class. we stayed "prank" IMing this awesome jewish kid in our class, who sits right in front of us. if only you knew how hard it is to contain yourself at times like this. were gonna smoke before next week, next class with jew boy/sun boy. we are idiots, just trying to take a bad time and make it into a good one. it aint easy being greezy Current Mood: high
Current Music: NOT GUNS LIKE GIRLS OR LADY RADIATOR, thanks!
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60 or so days sooner, i knew that april was going to be revolutionary. under no circumstances, did i expect to fall in love/find my OTHER HALF, develop a threes company relationship with kenny&cherie, see the day cherie gets a cell phone, own a fucking sidekick i got for free, 420 becoming a legitimate experience, belong to my own "group" of friends at marymount in the city (which will soon be my second home), get three times closer with my sisters bc of the bullshit my dads pulling. as dirty as i am, id never imagine having the tattoo i have in my mouth hhaha. no regrets! i am still very much excited about it. the fact that im keeping it semi-private makes it even fun-er. it was a stupid fun thing cherie and kenny and i got to do to connect. as gay as it may seem, i feel like joe is distracting me from my post-folly depression. or transforming it into a good thing. id literally just think about folly and ball on the spot (in class, work, home) but whenever i'm with him, i think about the neverending amount of good shit associated with them. i feel like i talk about folly on overdrive with my ladyfriends and they get sick of it, even though they act otherwise and especially since april11-13. with joe though, i spit stories involving them to hear one just as elaborately entertaining in response. just laying in his arms and having him tap IRS on my tits or stomache and make me guess which tune it is is so unreal! i cant even stop thinking about him and what we have. he made me a photoshop-looking picture from the school of rock show. he took the picture where jon is looking right at me, singing and cherie and i are parallel, making identical faces. on the side he put the FOR MY FRIENDS lyrics. even though ive known them by heart, the more i read them, the more i came closer to crying because i realized it was the first time i could apply the words and meanings of the song to a person with a penis! and really feel it! im the last person fit for relationships and he says the same for himself, making this seem like a puzzle that is meant to be pieced together. i almost feel like hes too good for me. SDFG#$Q#$^^ Current Location: kean university
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: ms cheng
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i went to evas, where she straightened my hair. we hit a few grape blunts and discussed where we were going to find strippers and midget strippers for her boos up and coming birthday party. she wants me to come with her for when she interviews them, so that should be an upbeat process and a half haha. i than ran to cheries where we stayed smoking. we smoked the weed that i copped from one of the mbe dudes and i was flying higher than any kite in the sky at that time. ALLLL of us were. ellen came over with more trees and cherie got sick.
with the exception of the first hour, i was high all day and night time became THAT much better.
this time last year, i ended up puking and giving my friends the idea that i was the real chick from the exorcist. woops haha.
but this year. this year, this year, this year no 420 will ever compare to. i drove, delightfully, to spotswood which was a rough-ass yet refreshing experience. i got to indulge myself in all the songs i love that are more than seven minutes long because i had the time to be that into them.
pulling up an seeing joe sitting on the steps outside of his house made me smile wide, almost like it was a reflex, or natural. i couldnt wait to be right in front of him and even better, closer:in his arms. the way he makes me feel is undefinable and the fact that we met JUST before my favorite holiday of all is destiny. already blazey, we smoked more by his stone wall set up that closed in his japenese fish. it was almost identical to the mini-pond that my aunt pat has right next to her pool too, whih was crazy.
i felt so warm and right being in his house. his room resembled mine as far as the memorabilia hanging out all over the place creatvivly, and the flyers. his bed reminded me of my old, favorit-est bed that my mother sold because it was so wide and perfect for what we really needed it for.
this kid has taken a toll on my life in such a farfetched manner and so abruptly that im getting scared and overwhlemed. he knows all the day by day kids and all the last picked kids. if it werent fr fucking last picked, i would not know folly existed- but thats a whole other chapter book in itself. he knows jenny tsay- the girl who was my older sister figure/role model when i was 13,14,15 who pushed me into liking most of the music and sex i like today haha. he knows people ellen knows and went to shows that kenny was at. hes seen page 99. hes in love with scrubs, his sn has yo in it, LOVES oral, LOVES folly, bartends, ugh i can go on and fucking on. why it feels like ive known him for years, i'll never know. i do know that the idea of him makes me quiver. me being so terrible at relationships makesm e worrysome. i would hat e to be the one tht fucks this up. im also ACCUSTOMED to dudes fucking me over, regardless of how involved i ever was with them
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Finally someone let me out of my cage
Now, time for me is nothing cos I'm counting no age
Now I couldn't be there
Now you shouldn't be scared
I'm good at repairs
And I'm under each snare
Intangible
Bet you didn't think so I command you to
Panoramic view
Look I'll make it all manageable
Pick and choose
Sit and lose
All you different crews
Chicks and dudes
Who you think is really kickin' tunes?
Picture you gettin' down in a picture tube
Like you lit the fuse
You think it's fictional
Mystical? Maybe
Spiritual
Hearable
What appears in you is a clearer view cos you're too crazy
Lifeless
To know the definition for what life is
Priceless
For you because I put you on the hype shit
You like it?
Gunsmokin' righteous with one token
Psychic among those
Possess you with one go
I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine, in a bag
I'm useless,but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine, in a bag
I'm useless, but not for long
The future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
The essence the basics
Without it you make it
Allow me to make this
Child, like in nature
Rhythm
You have it or you don't that's a fallacy
I'm in them
Every sprouting tree
Every child and beast
Every cloud you see
You see with your eyes
I see destruction and demise
Corruption in disguise
>From this fuckin' enterprise
Now I'm sucking to your lies
Through Russ, though not his muscles but the percussion he provides
with me as a guide
But y'all can see me now cos you don't see with your eye
You perceive with your mind
That's the inner
So I'm gonna stick around with Russ and be a mentor
With a few rhymes so mother fuckers
Remember where the thought is
I brought all this
So you can survive when law is lawless
Feelings, sensations that you thought were dead
No squealing, remember
(that it's all in your head)
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blendingdaywith's journal
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