i am absolutely head over heels for this man and while this may sound redundant, i can TRULY say i've never felt so overwhelmingly happy with one dude. in 6 days, we'll have been together for SIX MONTHS, which is borderline breaking my record. one month away! i had no idea i was so capable of being all i can be for him. i never knew i'd find my first love so soon. i am in no way, shape or form complaining. we both deserve this.
being in a relationship gives you a brand new insight to levels of things. i wouldnt say it taints your perception, but it definitely gives you a new born mindset.
i remember despising cherie when she first started dating. solely because she (what i deemed) abondoned our six year and running relationship for some bro. little did i know, love casts a spell on you: the person you love is the only person youre able to think about and is number one on the "who i want to see today" list, every day unconditionally. even when we argue, there's s till no where else i'd rather be.

its funny how dramatically time shakes up and updates perceptions. its also funny how words can have the same sort of voluminous effects.
karma also unveils itself in mysterious ways! knowing that everything happens for a reason seduces my positive thoughts by keeping them alive and well. it's good to know... to know.

lately, i feel like ive been on edge with the new school AND new job. not having any one person to ask even one of my million questions to on campus blows but ive been getting by. surprisingly, random ladies and dudes on my campus are super helpful when prompted, which makes the environment comforting. the school itself is flawless juxtaposed to kean university, which i can only refer to as a shithole.

with only one full week of classes, i can honestly say ive learned more at montclar than i did at kean for the entire two semesters of being there.

my job makes me nervous bc i did get hired through a TEMPT agency, which does not seal the job as permanent. i know that the right people like me and that i surpass the company's expectations so i'm HOPING i can ride this job for at least a few more months. as much i miss bartending, i dont because of all the valleys of bullshit they DONT warn you about prior to getting the job.

im slowly letting my ass sit on the center of my chair, confidently. being at the edge of a seat SUCKS but its all about what you feed your head. so far school is going smoother than i could imagine and 14 bucks an hour to sit in an air conditioning room rules. i need to start saving so green can only scare me so much.

i still hate money.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: caliban

life as a female ejaculator. 

Current Location: joseph michael voigt's
Current Mood: hot
Current Music: joseph michael voigt'

everything happens for a reason and then everyone dies
:)

Current Mood: anxious

something as trivial as a street address entitled "getaway lane" translated to WRITE POEMS FOR HOURS, MS COSTELLO.

Inside

When his lips glaze my neck, its understood he wants in
His wants become shared as he lightly grazes my inner thigh
my hands naturally frisk him, as my lips transform him into tin,
my body brushes his, his breathing pattern reaches an all time high.

he places his finger on my lip, those fingers than start to shine
I bite his lips, his fingers move- he realizes there are about to be wetter times.
soon bodies parallel show which puzzle pieces imacculately combine
our mouths widen the more our groans seemingly rhyme.

i repeatedly play, allow him to think his grinder will smoothen my grapes into wine
i thrust, inviting him in, but than i swiftly rewind

when he bites his own lips, his desire to go head first shows he is ready to make use of the night
our kisses advance, as our lips destinations become perfectly specified
our bodies are still parallel, yet our faces are no longer in plain sight.
with eyes closed, i read his tongues eccentric order: "shake!" i'm electrified.

my shocks vibrate through him- mouths no longer full- he positions me upright
sitting, we form a "T" so i attempt to reach the sky.
his hands are holding me down by my waist, his tin takes me to the front car of a rollercoaster ride
hitting each wall, grab me tighter, the sensations make me want to cry.

our personal creations of bodied waters make for one enchanting slide,
turning around, my chest glistens in his sweat, where i gladly lie.
making eye contact, a groan slips so he adjusts my leg
sweat dripping, i hop abruptly- he pounds til my hair is drenched.
with his ship nestled in its dock, i pray he wont stop, i beg

like a volcano erupting, i let my face catch the evidence of the scene,
licking my lips, my mouth tries to revive his machine
i than swim in lava, and - with that smile- rub myself free.

ill type out the other one when i dont have work in a matter of hours. ive got some a+ sentimental drawings to scan in anyway.
"what a day to savour such ugly extremities"

Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: cursive

i sometimes dont know. it sucks when something has so much potential of ruining a relationship, but one side won't give it up. ESPECIALLY when that potentially detrimental factor kills the person on the OTHER side for the obvious reasons.
maybe im dumb for not taking the hint from the very beginning.
i dont know.

in better news, jessicas team leader at our day job told her that im totally in my own world which brought a smile to my face bc that is my FAVORITE (what i perceive as a ) compliment ever to receive. jess than preceded to tell me how often she hears that in regards to me and a bigger smile unveiled itself.

something needs to change.

before i spit out words, i make sure i am fit enough to have my actions match up to whatever it is im saying. my word is my only offer-able and immediate contract.

Current Mood: scared

my eyes open a little wider than they did previously.

even though this new job is "under" and "through" a temp agency, there are some twisted things going on that stem from being capable of being manipulative. i now see how slyly my friends practice (or play PERHAPS) with their manipulative wand, wooshing it above the heads of those they chose.

i guess everyone waves that wand when it comes down to it. us humans do humanely things like that but it is interesting when you learn others' personal techniques. seeing anything in a new light shakes my mind.
over at the altman group, you are paid a comfortable amount of money an hour to sit in a room with a man whose last name is BULGER for 14 hours. theres about twenty kids in your training class and you learn VERY limited information on stocks but listen to each other read scripts and turn through pages. youd imagine that is reasonable based on the company's foundation (since they are easily rolling in money and lots and lots of it).

however, throughout the 2 day long training, mr daniel bulger is deciding who he wants to keep for a little, who he wants to promote instantly, and who he wants out immediately.

what i thoroughly enjoy about the place is the extreme amounts of casual bonding. you figure that if you work at an establishment with the same hundred people every monday through friday, 845 am to 4pm, youre bound to fall into the laps of the people you inevitably bump into.

first day, i had a boag for our first fifteen minute break. i suspected that half of the people in our training room were potfaces and they were all outside at one table. the one vibrant ass man who told me about his pin up girl tattoo with her legs wide open was there. (his tattoo artist wouldnt draw what he went to the parlor for: a seductive pin up girl fingering herself) everyone else was mad chill and i soon realized who is in a network with people in my network (cherie, kenny, jason).

everyone outside was a pothead and a freakALEAAKK. tell me how i ended up whipping out my handy dandy handcuffs when everyone was talking about fucking raw and toys and chodes (which is apparently not in the dictionary). being comfortable enough to talk openly about sex with almost anyone is fun because you pick up so many minor and major relevant tips. its totally worth it, especially when youre totally capable of being platonic about it.

that guy with the ink got fired from the first day. EVERYONE saw it coming.

tonight at the wild bull, i gave these two gays that i believed to be gay three free chocalate cake shots because 1. it was one of their birthdays 2. they were super down to earth and chill 3. because those shots are the shit and mad fitting. after talking to them as i bummed cigarettes, the one with the tongue ring and lip ring started begging me to come to their house party that started a while ago when they were ready to bounce.

after they left, i asked this other guy if he thought they were gay because i was torn. the one with the piercings called his dude friend his partner and continued kissing him on the neck and cheek. while i find that totally adorable, i dont typically care if someones gay. if you like dicks, go get one in that butt and have someone RAMMMM it in there. i did, however, give them those three free expensive shots because i knew if they were gay, they wouldnt take my hospitality as "i want to fuck, lets do it" giving off that vibe SUCKS and getting it from people reaks when youre truly in love with someone. its almost equivalent to standing out in the rain with a t-shirt and jeans, waiting for your ride. while i am always still horny, the thought of sexing guys no longer correlates with my actions or even intrudes my train of thought. i love that i have no urge to be on the prowl for action.
fuck that, i'm in LLOOOVEEEE. the real shit. i dont care how big your dick is, how much pot you have or how much money your car costs.
i'm good
the potentially gay couple, i found out from the random guy outside, where tripping on x. it all made so much sense.

funny, how i just looked up chode in the dictionary! the one kid in my school who was known for his tuna-can chode IMed me. ha!

it just got that much better too! i havent talked to this kid in months and i find out hes iming me to confirm a rumor. observe the humor:
yoxtinasbangin: about to ass out
yoxtinasbangin: got workat 845
XMdizzleFoshoX: werd so i have a question
XMdizzleFoshoX: ive been hearin things
XMdizzleFoshoX: did u do porn
yoxtinasbangin:hahahaha no way is that really a rumor
XMdizzleFoshoX: wat ive been hearin at sum shows
yoxtinasbangin: are they saying theyre good porns?
XMdizzleFoshoX: they wer like u kno dis hot bitch she went to phs she lives in fairlawn now she has huge tits and a tat on her back i was like yeah, and theyr like she was in this porn shes fukn hot n i was like damn i wish i was in it and saw it lol

hahha. so should i become one with flattery or embarrassment?
the answer is obvious. i love rumors hahaha. they add life to your actual... life with an enlightened seasoning.

i am off to assuring this kid i could never do it and than soon hitting those sheets for a few hours.
dream.

Current Mood: awake
Current Music: myfreepaysite.com

i guess relationships are my weakness because that is what i continue to tell myself as oppose to overlooking or even fighting that preconcieved, alarming ideal.
i get upset when realizing i'm not the one whose constantly bringing a smile to everyone around me by them simply feeding off my energy or positive vibes anymore. back in the day, id never let negativity have its way with me.
certain things in my life now correlate with negativity in ways i should have never allowed them to. some shit is so rotten, looking up is no longer an option. (or is that just how i'm choosing to see it?)
one of my lj entries from not too long ago was saying the same thing in essence. it hurts to know that i can no longer challenge anything in a positive light at ease.
i dont know if it is the people i'm surrounded with or that the adult real life world is overwhelming or even the combination of those two realistic factors, but i'm lost.
i know that how i feel is not how i want to CONTINUE to feel.
i'm christina costello and i've always done anything i had to do to make something the way i envisioned.
why stop now?

my brain refuses to prevent the chain of bombs going off inside of my head.

i DO, however, miss being surrounded by people who can turn piss into freshly squeezed lemonade. its easy being positive when the people around you are REAKING of it.
i'm gonna take a long shot in saying that the same goes for negative dudes and ladies. when around negative, youre more likely to BE negative.
guess i have to take initiative to do all that i want and need to do for myself bc in the end, i am all i have. i need to adapt that strength that makes me me.
i need to start being out for myself, also. putting others before me is no longer all that black and white when i digress in the process.



...damn right I like the life I live cause I went from negative to positive"

Current Mood: cynical

i canNOT wait until i see joseph tomorrow.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: primus; tommy the cat

i hate making decisions as much as i hate reality. if possible, i'd SOOOO hire someone to make them for me just so they can reap the responsibilities that pour out of the (ugly) consequences.

or i could always be fair and consider EVERYONE that MATTERS to me, which is what is looking like the more realistic choice. ugh. there goes that word again.

i distinctly remember ellen telling me that i need to abandon my fantasy-like method of living, at least for all the time. though my out of the box applications and interperations somehow inspire or encourage me, it holds me back from advancing myself and anyone i drag by my side.

i made a big boo boo and have felt sick, physically and mentally all weekend. i'm not the only one, which makes me feel worse.

there are so many fucking 'i's in this entry.

i get dealt the worst situations/decisions and hate that timing has no regard when i do.
thanks anterrabae.

Current Mood: embarrassed