As as Chris' feet stamped like an elephant across the wet pavement of my driveway and then dry thuds on the neighbors grass, all I could think was "Balls, what the fuck is going on?" I wish I could put that more eloquently, but the moment was complex in more ways that one can really imagine, given the circumstances present.

Chris, going to take a girl home awkwardly to allow Pat and Tom an extra 10 minutes to stay inside relaxing from the downpour, was walking down the driveway. Tom said "C'mon, be Frank Gore..." to which Chris nodded like a nervous tick 'no', before saying "no...alright...yeah" before bolting by Tom and Pat as makeshift blockers, drunk and blazed kids posing as a brick wall, and poorly. Chris blew by like a motion blur to the eyes, juking to my neighbors lawn and darting past before splitting back inwards while screaming a childish "Yeahhhh!!" as he ran towards his car across the street as if it were the end zone in San Francisco.

And as I watched this Pat was hunched over and holding his stomach, his eyes pierced shut in hysterics. Then watchig Tom, choking on his breath and spinning in circles I couldn't help but eventually propose this thought about it: "That was...the oddest fucking thing I've ever seen."

If I didn't know any better I'd think Chris was still running in the joy of the peculiar moment, ecstatic to the bliss of acting like a 5 year old again. In a life of expectations, it was the free moment where something totally unexpected, and really fucking stupid, kicked you in the face. And you loved it.

Current Location: 211
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: ABBA- "S.O.S."

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!!#$%$^&*()(&*%&$^#%$@#
i miss natalie
and
i miss joe
and
cheries not answering
and
jessica just left for ct

but ellen=getting me now.
/SAAAAAAVING me

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with stories that remind me of other stories. my problem is that i'm only living through my head and paying mind to my thoughts. the actions come and go but i barely try to make them match up. i am just letting them let do. and people that know me, know that once i am sparked up for a tasty conversation (not necasarily regarding sex), it's hard to cool me down.
like a waterfall, i am letting my life be poured above me, over me and onto me. i'm gliding through, accepting things for what they are and realizing i have so much of what i need to function.
i feel like i do enough to take a break from the world and just make observations that were underneath my nose all my life that i'm seeing under a microscopical lens. and oh boy, let me tell you how much you see when you're really looking and taking note,
i feel like ive been reexamining my life a lot lately. i've also been evaluating my priorities and why number 1 is number 1 and why number 7 is number 7. when you associate big chunks of life with numbers,you see in a clearer fashion. its easy to put shit in perspective with a number slapped on.

just got the thought fucked out of me.
humans are not that far off from animals as far as the everyday routine/strugge/livin goes.
lets look at what a fox is given:
lots of space disturbed by random suburbian roads and engines. at one point, the world was a free-for-all for animals but SOME human chanelled switches in the brain the cavemen didnt live long enough to workuot. in any event,these animals are forced to deal with roads and either ignore them or try to dodge them.
everything PEOPLE do they do because you work with whats around you until you realize how much you can take. you know when you find someone or something that you see as an immovable foundation, you gain a comfort that brings on knowledge thats been hiding from you your entire life. its like life is about finding the right game pieces that are meant to be placed onyour board (or scattered) around but in different squares, at different times. life for humans and animals and any living thing is about timing.
or parts of your life for different moments/stages/occassions.
some people you can really automatically click with and kick back. being able to act like youve known someone for years and get taht vibe that they feel you is ridiculous. i have that with a number of people. its hard to stomache that i now have someone to love and unfold with. being on the same page is soething i SELDOM obtain from people.
when you share with people, they share back and you find yourself being dealt more rewards and just feeling sensations of being connected. satisfaction. a reason to be excited about waking up. there are them, you just gotta find em.
:)

Current Location: joesIIIIIfs
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: hearts

for whatever reason, ive let sex dominate my life as far decisions go and as far as me being the person i am goes for TOO LONG. over indulgence is not healthy nor is it good! od-ing is for pussy, naive idiots. i dabbled:/. take that as you may.
in any event, i managed to fuck up royally where someone i hold so fucking close to me's feelings were at utter stake. basically, i threw her feelings into a fire, when ive seen this same person get hurt so many times before. i know, i know who hasnt been hurt? STILL, i couldve SAVED her from burning but instead i threw her in, headfirst. if someone pushed her into a train and there was no one else around for me to push in front of her, id jump in front of the fucking thing. i couldnt LIVE seeing anything of that severity happe n to her. metaphorically and literally. i feel like i hurt her that badly mentally and i wish there was SOMETHING i could fucking do to remedy the situation a little. id love to be able to buy burn oinment and be like "you know i love you and will rub it everywhere! "
while i was aware of what i was doing the whole time which is why i kept things "shady", i felt that much more in control and that much more repulsive. i was so aware but so ignorant and oblivious to all that was at hands.
i told NO ONE when it first went down because it was hard for me to stomache on my own. but now that the one person who i unintentionally laid above the fire on a fucking stick has fallen in, i'm scared theres nothing i can do for her.
what hurts the most on my part is knowing that i lost, if not all, PORTIONS of her trust.i have for three BESTBESTBEST ladyfriends and she is one of them, so the fact the trust may not be the foundation of our relationship from hereon out, scares the shit out of me. not to mention, we had bangin plans in the making for thursday night.
fuck you, christina! ugh!
things have been going so great that i knew i had to spill everything. i cant CONTINUTE to deepen the wounds so i figured id let honesty prevail so that the beginning of this issue can end quicker and we can go back to the asshole pair of friends we are, together!


im even embarrassed to share this shit with anyone which is why this live journal is the ideal outlet right about now. i'm SO embarrassed that i did something in the way that i did this and that i hurt someone who does not deserve it so harshly.
cute how embarrass has the word ASS in it.
this is really sad.

Current Music: weezer